When I was in 6th grade, a girl in my class told us that jumping up and down 50 times a day makes your boobs grow. Naturally, I jumped 100 times. Naturally, nothing happened. And even though it’s been a good decade-plus since then, and I’ve evolved mentally (and physically) past the point of wanting bigger boobs, the internet is apparently still looking for quick DIY methods to make your breasts larger. And the most recent trick? Toothpaste.
Excuse Me, What?
Yes, women are taking to YouTube to show off videos of themselves massaging toothpaste over their chests, as first spotted by Metro UK. “Tighten sagging breast in just 5 days using toothpastes no jokes [sic]” reads the title of one video, which shows a woman rubbing a cucumber, egg, and flour mixture over her chest. The view count? 7.7 million.
“What Vaseline & Toothpaste Did for my Tits!!” reads the title of another video, in which a woman details her experience—while massaging her nipples, as one does—with rubbing a concoction of toothpaste and petroleum jelly “like an idiot” over her breasts every night for 30 days. As you’d (hopefully) guess, the results were nonexistent. “Don’t be like me,” says the vlogger. “Don’t rub toothpaste on your nipples or Vaseline on your titty-balls because it will not grow your boobs.” Sage advice.
But Does It Work?
Considering toothpaste is essentially just a mix of alcohol, mint, fluoride, and detergents—i.e. ingredients that have zero abilities to grow breast tissue—there’s no reason why toothpaste would work.
But, just to make absolutely sure, I asked dermatologist Mona Gohara, M.D., assistant clinical professor at Yale University, who spends half her life telling patients not to put toothpaste where it should go. “Wait, what the hell?” was her immediate response, followed by, “As a derm, I cringe at the prospect of putting toothpaste on a zit, let alone slathering it on your breasts.” Shocking, right?
“Along with the fact that toothpaste can be an extreme skin irritant, there is also no medical evidence that toothpaste or vaseline or any topical cream can increase collagen or elastin,” she says. “Otherwise, trust me—after baby number two, I would have been wearing Crest all day long.”
Basically, please leave your poor boobs alone and let them be. Because just as your mom told you in elementary school, and just like I’m telling you right now, there’s nothing you can do to change the body you were born with.
Except for surgery. Surgery can most definitely change things.